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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

SEX JOKES

☻SEX

SEX is My Fav. I Do it regularly. Do it & Feel Gd! U'll enjoy it! I'll Die w/out SEX, S-Sleep, E-Eat, X-xercise, So do it everiday, gd for u.



☻SEX ON TEXT

Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!



☻YOU ARE WANTED

The Police are looking for a suspect who is smart, sexy, witty & very good looking... So where are you gonna hide Me?



☻TALKING DIRTY

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.





☻LOVE AND SEX

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!



☻SEX IS ...

Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a man puts his location in a woman's destination. Do u get my explanation, or do u need a demonstration?!



☻GIVE ME ALL YOUR $$$

MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U



☻NIGHT PRAYER

Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.



☻WHAT I NEED

I need a hug, I need touch, I need tender, I need a kiss, I need love, I need sex, I need you!



☻WRONG NUMBER

U've got SEX APPEAL ... U've got INTELLIGENCE ... U've got CLASS ... U got da FACE, U got da BODY ... I got the wrong number ... SORRY



☻NO SEX !

There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for people with your face ...NO SEX !





☻PHONE ENGAGE

hey! what happen 2 your hp? tried calling alot of times. everytime i dial your no, operator kept sayin 'THE SUBSCRIBER U CALLING IS HAVING SEX, PLS TRY LATER'




☻KENTUCKEY
A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken, it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.


☻TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
Twinkle, twinkle little rectum bigcockscum when you least expect them, never mind the screams of passion whoop it up with doggy fashion.


☻OLD MAN
There was an old man from gosham,
who got out his bollocks to wash'em,
His wife said oh jack if you don't put'em back,
i'll stand on the bastards and squash em!!!(new)☻ARSE ICONS
(_!_) Regular arse
(__!__) Fat arse
(!) Tight arse
(_*_) Sore arse
(_o_) Well used arse
(_e=mc2_) Smart arse
(_x_) Kiss my arse


☻FAMILY
your father had your mother,
your mother had your brother,
it's just 2 bad your fathers mad and
your mothers now your lover




☻GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!




☻DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
nformation...or do you need a demonstration




☻SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.




☻VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.




☻GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.




☻cOOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down




☻HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face ...
NO SEX !


☻WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!


☻SICK LEAVE
A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?


☻BRAND SEX
Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!


☻VALANTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?



☻F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia...
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!


☻THE BUSH
When an apple is green it's ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she's ready to fuck!


☻The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!




☻Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?


☻Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!


☻Equation
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan multiply!


☻Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!


☻Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!


☻Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!


☻Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!


☻Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!


☻Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!


☻£50 note tattood on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants


☻Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!


☻Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!


☻Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!


☻Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!


☻Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?


☻Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!


☻Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!


☻How to satisfy a woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job


☻Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!


☻Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!


☻Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!


☻Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!


☻Virginity is like a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!


☻Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!


☻The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!


☻Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan't stop!!


☻Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

☻Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo



☻Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!




☻HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS?
10 little piggies,2calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!




☻Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e's,well get drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck em all & lets get high!


☻Men like toilets


Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!


☻Mary's bush


Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!


☻Horny


Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!


☻5 bad things to say to a naked guy


5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!




☻Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped her at da end of da block!




☻Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hard!


☻Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater


Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da head, F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!




☻Being a student
Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher in how tongues flex,we'll both graduate in hot oral sex!


☻Down on her Knees


Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jellycos shes doin a fuckin good job!


☻Cat and the Sausage


Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!




☻Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!


☻Mary's bike


Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the spokes went up hercunt



☻Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz lie down!


☻NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !


☻Nutella
I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.


☻U and the Pope
do u know what's the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope gets laid, it's a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!! :)


☻Durex
Do you wan't fun Do you wan't sex Don't forget durex


☻Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold +condoms wernt invented they tied socks around theircocks + people like u were prevented.


☻Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..


☻Kiss Me
Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!


☻How many letters
How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!


☻My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought where the fuck is my roof??


☻Foot and Mouth
mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth

☻Blondes
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop


☻Operator
This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you


☻Blonde Womens legs
what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know they never met!

☻This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H


☻I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!


☻Mary's Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they're black andcrispy.


☻Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.


☻Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican't believe it's not butter!!!


☻Condom factory
Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.


☻Yo Mama
Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.


☻Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!


☻Mary's Duck
mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!


☻Tampons
whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?....they r all stuck upcunts!

☻Sex is like Maths
sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs...
and MULTIPLY!


☻Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!


☻Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

☻Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag


☻Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's


☻Ba Ba White Sheep
ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻News Flash - Indian Earthquake
!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending ... ... ... Replacements


☻Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together


☻Little Miss Drugy
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.


☻Jack and Jill
Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER


☻IRA
what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you runcause he's got a grenade in his mouth

☻Dear Mammy love annie
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.


☻Cock Sucker Detecotor
This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...

cOCK SUCKER !!


☻Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?


☻Red Riding Hood
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!



☻Fuck for money
sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!


☻5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b'hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!



☻Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it's a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!



☻Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!



☻Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!



☻3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants



☻D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!



☻I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!


☻Cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!



☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!



☻There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?



☻Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!



☻I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!



☻HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job


☻Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!



☻Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!



☻LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!



☻When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!



☻Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!




☻There was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together



☻little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed .



☻Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER



☻what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you runcause he's got a grenade in his mouth


☻There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.



☻This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...

COCK SUCKER !!


☻Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?


☻Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!



☻sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻What sexual position do you have to be in to make the most ugliest kid?…. ask your parents

☻What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET

☻A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?" So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!"

☻Wots da closest thing to a womans period? ur salary! It cums once a month.lasts About 3 or 4 days & if it doesnt cum every1s in trouble!

☻Old chinese proverb says "man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok"

☻Virginity is like a balloon one prick and it's gone forever!

☻Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop!!

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

send me sexy sms on my mobile 7778024131

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